A couple of Tuesday nights ago I decided to enjoy the night air and take my dog for a walk. Then with one look toward my possible future, I was immediately struck with despair. I felt as if my life had suddenly crashed down around me for good. The view that had once given me peace and serenity now appeared as an awful obstruction. My future was like a mountain whose terrain was altered overnight. I had zero energy left to finish my climb and even less hope of ever seeing what was on the other side. Feelings of abandonment and betrayal began to consume me; all my hopes felt as if they had been thrown from its peak. This mountain had been created upon deep love, friendship, and a lot of promises. It offered all the happiness I had longed for my entire adult life, but now the face of it had changed forever.
When I lived in Arizona, I experienced my first true betrayal. Last night I realized that Arizona was the place that yet another betrayal would develop. Sometimes I wish the following song were true:
"There Ain't No Arizona."
If there was
A grand canyon
She could fill it up with the lies he's told her
But they don't exist
Those dreams he sold her
She'll wake up and find
There is no Arizona(Might I also add, the devil may have gone to Georgia looking for a soul to steal, but he went to Arizona and struck up a few deals!)
My time living in Arizona had presented an expedition to climb a mountain which required experienced climbers. Unfortunately, that was a climb from which my marriage would never recover. About a year ago Arizona introduced a similar expedition, this time I had experience. I thought it would help.
When the journey began I was not alone. Two of us prepared by gearing up to climb this mountain together with determination. We did not seek to merely survive but to bring both our hopes to fruition. Surely I felt that the monsoons and falling rocks were nothing compared to what we would receive upon completion. To me, it seemed worth every step. What we were experiencing was purely circumstantial and we would not and should not be taken down by a few detours or storms. But as storms can do, they began to greatly alter our path and the mountain's terrain. All the experience, equipment, and expectations were proven to be less than adequate.Then the two of us began to slip and slip fast. We both made mistakes but the betrayal I would eventually realize would be equal to a second fall. However, this fall would be from a higher height and from a much different terrain. I had not been 100% sure that I would be able survive.
Yet here I am, dressed with fresh bandages from the appropriate medical care. While I had fallen from a great height, I did not fall all the way to my impending death. Through my loving care givers and the ultimate Care Giver, I have begun to realize that now I can finally see! Unbeknownst, to me, my mountain had begun to move! It occurred to me that I was rescued and would not have to continue this second climb. This reveals that His Word is true: He moves mountains without their knowing it and overturns them with His anger. (Job 9:5)
You see, even if you have very little faith, you can say to the mountain MOVE and it will be moved! (paraphrased from Matthew 17:20) I had prayed that my ties would be released from this second climber who had left me alone with inadequate equipment while he continued his climb. Having been filled with a vision of my next resting point I was willing to continue. One of my true sisters and care giver related the story of the Lone Survivor to me. She explained that as these Seals journeyed to the next peak where they would find communication abilities for rescue. Upon arrival they quickly realized the plateau was false and it would lead the remaining survivor, the Lone Survivor, to journey the treacherous terrain alone. Make no mistake, I am no Marcus Luttrell or Navy Seal. But I know first hand what it feels like to be the lone survivor in a relationship, the one that put hope in the next spot only to find that it was false.
I still have a lot more to say about my expedition and the mountains I have had before me, but I will save it for another day. For now I leave you with this: When I began that second climb it was done with and FOR THE LOVE: Fear, Offense, Rejection, Tears, Helplessness, Emotion, Loneliness, Oppression, Vulnerability, Emptiness. But now that I can finally see, it is still going to be done with and FOR THE LOVE from a proper view point through: Faith, Optimism, Redemption, Thankfulness, Hope, Expectation, Love, Openness, Victory, Enthusiasm! Having experienced this climb before it was my belief that I had the proper perspective and expectation to safely make this journey.
It is my hope that you too may find healing in this and be able to see that mountains can actually be moved. Please stay with me as I continue to reveal what I have been shown on my journey, and as I look forward to the healing while embracing the care.
For His Glory,